The Custom of 'Taarof'

­­Having been with family in Shiraz for about a week now, I’ve noticed a custom which is used far too often. I mean, I noticed it the other times I’ve been here, but this time it just stands out so much more for some reason. It could be because I’m older now and I’m a lot more willing to challenge the use of it. The custom as you may have gathered from the title is called ‘taarof’ - تعارف. Google translates the word to ‘dating’, but that’s far from what it actually is.

Taarof is used everywhere and between everyone; from having dinner in the comfort of your own home, to buying something from a merchant. It seems to be a way of showing both hospitality and etiquette. However, I can only truly explain the custom through scenarios I’ve experienced or witnessed.

Buying Food

I sat and watched as my brother went to pay for a couple of pizzas we had ordered. He was accompanied by a family member. This family member refused to let my brother pay for it, wanting to pay for it himself. My brother literally had to hold him away from the till in order to pay for the meal but he still unwillingly caved in to the custom. Raised a westerner, this is all good. You get a free meal. Although, you may have side effects of guilt after a few free meals.

Eating Food

As I was eating a meal at my aunt’s house, her husband noticed my plate was nearly empty. A conversation occurred that went a little like this:

“Do you want more?”

“No I’m good thanks.”

“Are you sure?”

“No thanks, I’m full.”

“Have some more, it’s good for you.”

“No really, if I wanted more, I’ll take some myself. Don’t stress yourself.”

He went on to put more food on my plate. In a household, it seems polite to say no when offered something just so that you don’t put the other person through any trouble or put a burden on them,
however light it may be (taarof-ing). I was raised in London though. My no means no and my yes means yes. People here haven’t seemed to suss this out yet. This is the bad, annoying taarof.

Purchasing an Item In-Store

When buying anything from a shop, no matter the price, the shopkeeper/sales assistant will always say ‘ghabel nadare’ as you give them the money. Which practically means, ‘you don’t need to pay for what you’re buying’. It’s just polite to say. To my dismay, they never really mean it. Ever. This is the shortest of all taarof’s as you should know they don’t mean it. With the other two, the battle may go on for quite some time.

I have to go through the second scenario mostly. The annoying one.